a.funnytimeofyear.com

Crooked Nosed Jennifer shunts her back up against the wall, hands splayed with a look of terror spread across her prematurely aged face. The look on her mug says someone’s coming towards her with a knife, or better yet, she’s about to make a crude homophobic joke, hollering “Backs up against the wall!” to the remaining members of the cash office. This is, of course, all aimed in Uncle Ben’s direction – the man of which she is so visibly pursuing, with the flicking of her lifeless hair, and her hideous laugh that pierces ears and purposelessly shrills at the wrong moment. I take this in a bad way which is, of course, understandable, and I scowl and watch this half-wit of a woman jump around shouting “Bums to the wall!” If looks could kill, she’d be a fragment of a human implosion, I swear. I’m leaving this place soon, anyhow, and I suspect that I shall be missed as much as I miss my fellow co-workers (not at all.) There’s Jelly Beans Gill, with her big belly, big bum, big boobs, and big eyelashes coated in thick black mascara. She’s partial to blurting out “Fuck ‘em!” when talking about customers in a close proximity, and she coos “Allo darlin’” when I walk through the door. Of course, there’s Scrawny Dan, the bane of my existence who wants to divulge every wilting piece of information about my gay relationship, so that he can, no doubt, spread it as soon as I leave. Oh, how I’ll miss his greasy throwback hair, his vast, expanding forehead. His sharp features resembling something of the rodent species. Indisputably, he shall remain a haunting figure in the unwinding path that is my future.

In four days I’m accompanying dear Foalface to her End of Education prom. In true fashion we shall arrive in Loser Style, her being the general loser and I being her accompaniment, the Gay Date. I am partially scared and somewhat excited about the whole ordeal, as I fear that we may become gossip for the other children to giggle at. I’m expecting a Romie And Michelle welcome, complete with mass ridicule, but we’ll see how it goes.

I have never had a pleasant, accepting male friend before. All of the male friends I had previous to the past two years either had multiple personalities (“Hello, I’m Mr. Nice.” / “Fuck you, queer!”), were extremely homophobic (which went down well, no pun intended), or were just .. weird. This is why I am slightly uneasy about Spencer visiting my home tomorrow. Ladies and Gentlemen, Spencer is, for the first time in my life, a LOVELY, STRAIGHT, MALE. I guess I’m just waiting for him to beat me up, call me a homo, or simply anally rape me. For that, I’ll just have to wait and see (oh pleeease let it be the latter, come on!)