November 2003

Tracy Emin just gave a talk at my university about herself, her art and her current (and future) projects that she is undertaking. The talk was incredibly inspiring (and humorous at times simply because of her personality), although the collective presence of so many art students all striving for the same thing was, admittedly, slightly daunting and distressing. Since arriving here I’m forever aware of the underlying competition to create amazing art (which, in reality, is not particularly possible when you are at this stage in your education). It’s a hollow, whispered subject that is barely discussed, but we all know that during our crits we are making artistic comparisons and ultimately deciding if our peers, and ourselves, have anything to offer in the art world.

And really, I can’t handle that shit. Since getting here I have completely lost faith in work that I’ve been creating. I’m awful at expressing the meaning behind my images (when I know that in my head, there is meaning, I just can’t verbally articulate it) and just crumble when I’m having to show my work to classmates. Lately I’m just thinking in visuals increasingly and when it comes to tangible expression, I’m running miles.

I’m angered at the thought that reservation constantly acts as a means for self-preservation. I’m tired of this commonly held fear of showing what it is to be real, whether that’s with your personality, or artistically. It seems that anyone who tries to just be themselves, a raw entity of human existence, ends up persecuted by the masses that can’t deal with humanity. And quite frankly, it’s sickening.

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A whole day with a borrowed flash unit and I shot nothing. Completely uninspired and drained of effort, still feeling sick. And I’m beginning to get aggravated with the lack in presence of weighing scales.

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(there was one more that involved cock sucking, but i’m not sure if my target audience is too keen on that sort of thing?)

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I’m going home for a few days to recharge. Trust me, I need it.

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Last night was pretty amazing. My costume was fabulous thanks to my makeup artist (one of my housemates), and in the end Heather and her boyfriend came, getting in for free also. A lot of people recognised us and I had the opportunity to talk to a transvestite whom (at the time) said it would be okay for me to photograph her in her own home. Though, she hasn’t responded to my text message yet, so maybe I’ll call her tomorrow. It’d be amazing if she would let me into her life and see how she lives. In other creative areas, I shot some photos today but am unsure if I should use them (they’re quite sexually explicit, I guess), as well as whether I will be allowed to use them in my first university project. Anyway, enjoy these shots.. I did.

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This evening I’m dressing as a cheerleader to attend the Pussycat Club in order to take photos and write a review for Real Brighton. Treated like stars, we shall be whisked in, strapped with a wrist band and helping ourselves to free drinks. But seriously, this cross-dressing deal is becoming a regular thing. Hm!

(click first for larger)

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