Dec 02 2003
Erykah Badu
It was really different to see a performer make me feel so deeply, intensely introspective. Uplifted, inspired, refreshed and also exorcising the stagnant negativity that has recently been stored up in my mind. Standing there with a fierce face staring back at me, the face of a Nubian queen belting out her demons, I realised that things have really not been going good, and need to start working their way back up the ladder. Surrounded by thousands of black people was revitalising in a memorable sense, bringing back childhood memories of African relatives, but also confused me as to where I belong in this world. I’m not black, I’m not white - I’m this strange hyrbid mixed with a twang of homosexuality that doesn’t quite fit into either category. Perhaps I should just tell myself that the best things can never be seen in only black and white - but need that important grey tone (that being me.) She told me not to worry, because we’re becoming a race ourselves - us hybrids.
I guess most half-caste people grasp to one culture and have stronger ties with one, as opposed to the other. If I embrace whatever will accept me (mostly white cosmopolitan culture), I feel as if I am pushing away the other part of me that has grown up with black music, black influences, the whole black culture that I have grown to love and continue to be interested in. But after living in a rut for so long where it was so difficult not only to be non-white, but gay as well, it just seems easy to slip into whatever sort of society will accept me. It’s difficult to relate to black the majority of black people because as I know, from previous experience, it’s just not acceptable to be gay. We know this because we don’t see gay rappers prancing around the same way we see poofs like Savage Garden making cheesy hits within pop music. I just forever find myself asking the question - how is it that I’m supposed to embrace both cultures that I’ve come from, when it seems that both essentially have attitudes that are driving me away? I can’t find seem to find solace in one without the other and am forever searching for a way to become a part of two cultures that barely overlap (except when it comes to commercialised rap crap like 50 Cent.)
Breathe.
There was a part in the gig where Erykah said it was good to get things off of your chest and flush the negativity out with a strong Fuck You. She said, these things don’t just get up and leave, they need a good talking to.
Fuck You.
Get up off of my couch.
Get up out of my house.
Get up out of my life.
There are so many things/people I could direct these words to right now. As a promise to myself I believe that things can only improve with the passing of each year, and so far it’s proved successful. As a person, I can only continue to learn, accept the experiences that I go through, and ultimately, continue to to perfect the art of breathing.
(PS - Inspiration led me to grow my hair into a mass of currrrrls. Roll on those bad-hair-days that will eventually lead into, hopefully, good-hair-days.)