Dec 29 2005
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I swear I’ve had enough sex to last me a lifetime. This is the great thing about the beginning of relationships - you both can’t wait to just fuck each other’s brains out constantly. It’s a great feeling. Coke fuelled romps are simply delicious.
Dec 27 2005
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E & I spent both Christmas eve & Boxing day roaming West Park mental asylum. Despite the lengthy walk - first in sunshine, and then in the bitter rain - both times were successful in terms of not only intriguing explorations, but photographically. It was really great to spend this ideally traditional holidays (although both of us are neither particularly bothered by Christmas celebrations) climbing through broken windows, checking out padded cells and standing amidst the most beautifully decorated, burnt-out hall (not that I condone arson). I know my mother missed me on Christmas day but I can’t really be bothered with visiting my home town as it holds nothing but bad memories for me now. I can honestly say that this Christmas was the embodiment of perfection. Instead of turkey we had beef bourguignon, instead of cosy days of Christmas eve excitement, we were covering ourselves in dirt, creeping through eerily deserted asylums. Obviously the epitome of a perfection Christmas for me!
Thank you, E.
After discussing the concept of the Lover and the Beloved, a friend of mine recommended reading “Love’s Work” by Gillian Rose. It’s a really beautifully intellectual book, covering a lot of ground in terms of love and loss. A few parts have really stayed in my mind in regards to my own pains of loss in love, whether that be directly in relation to B. Boy in the past, or with my somewhat estranged father etc.. If you’re interested in specifically this concept of Lover & Beloved, I’d give it a read. Who do you think you are in your relationships? The Lover, or the Beloved…?
Happy love is happy after its own fashion: it discovers the store of wonders untold, for it is the intercourse of power with love and of might with grace. Nothing is foreign to it: it tarries with the negative; it dallies with the mundane, and it is ready for the unexpected. All unhappy loves are alike. I can tell the story of one former, unhappy love to cover all my unhappy loves - in particular, the one that is ruining me at present. The unhappiest love is a happy love that has now become unhappy.
and
Why is it so agonising to the Beloved when the Lover wards off love? The answer ‘loss’ repeats the question. This conversion out of love, its incompletion, is the illimitable medium of this whole composition. It is the point at which lovelessness confesses that she is investigating herself. Can this be sound method? Sheridan said of Scholasticus that he wanted to learn to swim without entering the water. Here, the method must be circular, and that is why it is not vitiated. Well, I am immersed. But if I am floundering, can I be saved by thrashing around?
So what does bitter innocence claim? The Beloved says that she remains steadfast and consistent, unwavering in her love: the Lover is the inconsistent one. The Beloved says she bewildered and deserted: the Lover appears indifferent equally to his withdrawawl and to her bereavement. The Beloved remembers not only disproportionate joy, but the fantasy of the future pledged: ‘You are for me a vast, open space of unpressurised love.’ He covers his eyes with his index finger and thumb: ‘I hate conversations like this.’
Dec 22 2005
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Despite always despising smoking, and even more so now that I’ve developed bad asthma, there are two people who can just make it look so sexy. My friend Mia (photographed above) seems to do it perfectly, as well as Micha. Disgusting habit, good to photograph!
I may not be around for a couple of days. I don’t celebrate Christmas but I’m going to stay at Eva’s for a couple of days. We’ll wander her village, feed the ducks.. I’m looking forward to a relaxing winter mini-break with one of my favourite people in the world. She never fails to put a smile on my face.
Dec 21 2005
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Dec 20 2005
Around this year everyone seems to think about where the year’s gone, as I was also doing at this point last year. So after thinking lots and spending the day picking my brain, here’s the good & bad of 2005..
Good Things That Happened This Year
Bad Things That Happened This Year (doesn’t warrant a ful list)
Another year of self-harming, breakdown of my first ever relationship (and person I trusted and loved), grandpa dying, being homeless for a while, feeling the truth that my father doesn’t care for me, disowning my brother for being a racist, homophobic idiot, having my camera stolen at Pride, getting into more financial distress, having to learn that the people I love do not always love me back as much..
Dec 19 2005
Feeling a bit despondent now, but perhaps this is due to being in constant company for the whole weekend. Mind you, it’s been an amazing weekend. A bit of hardcore hedonism. Much drinking after work with amazing friends til 4:30am. Saturday night Colin were naughty and ended up clubbing til 9am or so, and Sunday saw the arrival of Rowena which inevitably ended up with a rather bizarre night out (Foxxxy in an incredibly straight club).. I always get this after being around people for so long - a sense of melancholy, generally only solved by sulking in my bed or gobbling a sleeping pill to forget about things. My current tactic is thinking about Iain, which seems to bring much joy! We went for the perfect walk on the beach the other day.. the sunset was so beautiful that it seemed to hurt.. I couldn’t take it in and holding his hand, kissing in the cold.. just generally being silly.. perfection.
Ok, sorry, I know I’m smitten. I’ll stop. Here’s the photos instead:
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