Spent most of today in a Max Richter induced melancholy mood, mostly cleaning up and attempting to get some kind of order with my room. I decided to go for an afternoon walk when there was a break in the rain, except it only cleared for ten minutes or so before I was completely drenched walking into town. Lovely. Decided to buy a book (although I am currently reading something anyway) and walked around for hours, staring at things in shops and generally just enjoying silence. Some days I love to not talk to anyone, just exist inside my head. I should really invest in some kind of mp3 player but I just don’t have the cash (certainly got the music, however.) I’m desperate to put some new photos on my walls (I removed the majority of them when I split with Hilton as I no longer felt it appropriate to have him looking over me), yet I don’t really want to go rooting through things when I am feeling fragile and see his face.
This weekend should be lovely. It’s my mother’s birthday on Sunday and both her and a friend are staying for the weekend, as well as having E to visit. I had mentioned to my Mama that I would really like some home cooked meals so she has been slaving away for days cooking dinners that she can freeze for me. She’s also bringing the biggest pot of curried goat ever for a birthday party on Saturday, as well as a lot of beef for a roast on Sunday. You’d never realise I managed to be a vegetarian for ten years, would you?
Life has mostly been very positive at the moment. Like I mentioned previously, I seem very happy most of the time. I guess it’s natural to have low days when I have just come out of a very intense two and a half year relationship. The only way I can deal with moving on is to completely erase him from my life. Of course there will always be the photos (of which there are thousands), but I just have to have zero communication and think about What’s Next? It’s really sad that things did not work out (I think that with more effort, they possibly could have but hey that’s what happens) but I am only 23 – not 63, and there will be many more people to meet in my life, to fall in love with, to experience intimacy with. I think that is what I miss the most. Sharing intimacy with someone, falling asleep on someone’s shoulder, holding hands. I am a very tactile person and not having someone to just touch is clearly very annoying. Still, things change, life rearranges.. it’s all for the best. Luckily I am very keen on embracing change, so let’s start the next chapter…
