It’s weird. Since I broke up with Hilton people are constantly commenting on how chirpy I seem to be. I have upped my dosage on my citalopram and I am torn in thinking whether it is this that has lifted my mood, or if simply being single has had this effect. Typically before I have always been a Risky Drunk, sometimes falling into dark moods and subsequently self-harming. However, recently, although I have been rather drunk far more times than is healthy, I have remained upbeat and happy. Last night I went dancing with friends after having a dinner party and just could not stop giggling. I was like a little girl. A few people told me it was like having the Old Me back. The happy-go-lucky boy that enjoys having a good time. I think the relieved pressure of being with Hilton has just given me the opportunity to be myself and do whatever I want without having to think about what he would think, or if we’d have to have another “talk”. I could take my clothes off in front of complete strangers and dive into the sea without any cares! Sure, I have that post-drunken guilt feeling – was I too noisy, drunk, annoying? – but I don’t have to worry about him interrogating me and asking me what I got up to.
Simply put: I seem to be happier.
I haven’t self-harmed in weeks. Yes I am drinking far too much, but my moods have generally been a lot higher and I am constantly thankful for having the most amazing friends that keep me busy and will do anything to make me happy
I am already totally addicted to Max Richter‘s new album, 24 Postcards in Full Colour. In particular the haunting 23rd track, Found Song for P. If you haven’t got his album The Blue Notebooks you should buy/download now – it’s such a beautiful collection of neo-classical music.
Had the girls round for dinner last night and decided to spoil them with face masks and have a proper girly night. I’m not sure what I’ll do this bank holiday weekend. Everyone seems to be busy working or something. I could go to Notting Hill Carnival with my Mama and Corinne but I find it difficult when I am there. I am always very aware of being gay there and it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don’t like the atmosphere that descends upon Notting Hill at around 8pm. Plus the incredibly difficult train hell that you always get caught up in. This week has been constant non-stop so perhaps it’ll be good to just wind down and spend some time with a good book and some beautiful films.
Spent last weekend with A & R at Occy’s place/spa. Took long walks in the country, got semi-naked and had an impromptu life drawing session, chased cows etc. Also had a delicious mud treatment, as well as jacuzzi and swim (the guys had a sauna too). Delish food, lots of rosé wine, and a whole lot of Madonna videos (it happed to be ol’ Madge’s 50th birthday that weekend & Occy is obsessed!) I really do have the best friends in the world. Spent hours cuddling on the sofa and suitably moving on with my life. And I’m surprisingly doing alright at it! Came back to Brighton on Tuesday to meet more friends, all with big smiles. Been having nice lunches, spending quality time with people. It’s great! Had a good night out with The Gays last night, danced my arse off. Good times. :)
I’m really enjoying Little Jackie‘s album, in particular the song The World Should Revolve Around Me. The lyrics are funny and poignant at the moment. My favourite bits:
I take it in stride; One day at a time
If I ask no questions I’ll hear no lies
How come blessings only come in disguise?
Try them on for size as I vocalize
Ain’t nothing gonna get in between me and my flow
Aint’ nothing gonna come between me and my afro
My man just left me; what do ya know?
Easy come; easy go!
He came out of the blue
And went right back into it
Had to forfeit because he couldn’t get with it
Called it quits and when he spins
He said he didn’t have time for my juvenile bullshit
I’ve had a lot of failed relationships; I don’t get involved because I’m not equipped
I believe that the world should revolve around me!
I don’t see the point of a partnership; it won’t be long until they start to trip
Yessiree, the whole world should revolve around me!
There’s only one me in the galaxy
I am an endangered species
This kind of flower don’t grow on Earth
Just lettin’ you know for what it’s worth
I know I rock and what I got is hot
And you know I got a lot
Cause all that trippin you gotta stop
Before you know it your ass’ll be drop
And if you concerned with my biological clock
Since I never grow old my heart is always in stock
Keep screwing that bitch from down the block
I don’t need you around I know I rock!
